I tried not to be afraid. Not only because I like him so much, and it's easy to be afraid

I tried not to be afraid. Not only because I like him so much, and it's easy to be afraid. But because someone like Mica, who wants so much to give, can be seriously damaged by a partner who isn't careful to offer him space to be exactly who he is. And, most of all, because S&M is a complex and fickle mistress. Because I knew that if Mica expected me to be able to do that regularly, he was bound to be disappointed. His tendencies are there, and I can learn them, but this one "total catharsis" depended on a confluence of factors: there had been something close to his surface, something he'd practically begged me to pull out, and it had been his first time. Plus, S&M also depends on self-maintenance and reasonable expectations and respecting our own failures. An S&M relationship will be much less stable if the people involved can't accept imperfection. I was scared, scared, scared that Mica believed me to be more amazing than I could ever possibly be. KK ok The next day, Mica was thrilled by his scratches, and showed them off to me. I was pleased by how he eroticized the marks -- I do that, too -- but I also felt a moment of piercing guilt. "I'm sorry,” I said. "I should have been more careful, before leaving marks like that. I should have asked.” Mica met my eyes directly, insistently. "No," he said. "Don't be sorry. Last night was amazing. You knew exactly where I needed to go." I pushed back my fear -- he expects too much of me -- and answered quietly. I ended by telling him, "S&M can't be that, all the time." He nodded. I hoped he was listening. Fortunately, he was. The next time we did it, Mica was slightly disappointed that it wasn't mind-blowing -- as I knew he would be. But he dealt with it. He articulated the disappointment to me, and he remembered that I'd warned him, and he said that he was prepared to take things as they came. And then, lying on his side next to me, watching me, he asked: "Do you want pain?" I felt my eyes widen. I felt a spike of fear. I was already so into him. I knew that if I allowed him to get me to subspace, there'd be no going back. "Yes," I said. And again, that attention. In a way, sometimes, Mica's attentiveness can be strangely inconvenient. He's almost over-attuned to my desires. Even when I tell him to close his eyes, he can't lose himself that way; he can't make himself keep them closed. The quality of his attention is, however, quite remarkable when he hurts me. "This is where you could take me apart," I said afterwards, as I surfaced out of that terrible vulnerability. Mica looked at me, rested his head on me. "I just want to take care of you,” he said. KK Ok HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018676