However, I think (or would like to think? augh) that most girls are not like that, and that

However, I think (or would like to think? augh) that most girls are not like that, and that you should not plan for girls to be like that. I'd definitely rather offend someone by asking than offend them by not asking. Holly implies that people who don't like explicit communication should effectively be banned from kissing: she says, "they can go without ever being kissed until they wise up.” I have a certain cantankerous sympathy for this perspective, and I have said similar things myself in the past. But my research into pickup artists made me wonder about whether this perspective is tenable, given a world in which most people seem to enjoy and engage in a great deal of tacit communication. Speaking only for myself, I must admit that I like it when a man can read my unspoken signals well enough that he can tell when to kiss me without asking aloud. Sometimes it can be nice when a guy asks. But if he can read my tacit communication about kissing, that is a signal that he can read a lot of my other tacit communication as well. Furthermore, if many people really enjoy unspoken social games and strategic uncertainty, then "the game" will never go away. Evidence that people enjoy those things does not only include the pickup artist subculture -- romantic comedies and romance novels consistently find a market, after all. Additionally, part of improving sexual communication means learning more about unspoken communication -- not just spoken communication. The pioneering social economist Peter F. Drucker once said, "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." This maxim is no less true when it comes to sex than it is in any other area of human endeavor. PUAs have spent years gathering information on tacit sexual communication, so perhaps one feminist goal should be to try and understand what they've learned, such as the characteristics of excellent social "calibration." Some feminists and BDSMers exist who already think a lot about teaching implicit or unspoken communication. On the feminist side, one webpage about sexual violence features an image of a woman saying: "I stopped kissing you back. I pushed your hand away. I said I wanted to leave. It all meant 'NO'." On the BDSM side, there is often an expectation that BDSM partners will discuss their experience and reactions once they are done doing BDSM with each other, so as to learn more about how to read each other's tacit signals. However, I have never encountered a BDSM seminar on the topic of non- verbal communication, though I've attended several on verbal communication. My perspective on non-verbal communication is not without precedent among feminist BDSMers, though my willingness to deal extensively with PUAs might be. Still, I believe that non-verbal communication is not taught well, and that feminists and BDSMers in particular do not spend enough time discussing its role in sexual interactions. Given that both communities emphasize that consent and communication are crucially intertwined, perhaps both communities might draw insight from some PUA conceptions of "kino," "calibration" and other ways of examining implicit communication. I once started a thread about pickup artists on a major feminist blog, to which one feminist responded: "I'm getting so sick of these PUA threads.... So I'll just come out and say it: PUAs rape women through coercion and manipulation. Full stop.” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018671