encounter, but if the encounter has been particularly difficult, it's doubly important. I

encounter, but if the encounter has been particularly difficult, it's doubly important. I have personally had good experiences leaving Super Intense Conversations like the one I describe above until post-aftercare, when all partners have calmed down and dealt with any immediate emotional responses. I'm writing vaguely, so here are some concrete suggestions for things to say during the conversation after a difficult BDSM encounter: * "I'm sorry.” * "T still like you and think you're a good person.” * "Do you want to talk about this now? If not now, then let's set a concrete time for later." * "I'm feeling really vulnerable and confused right now." * "Why do you think that happened? How were you reading me, and what were you thinking as you responded to me?” * "How do we feel about this now that we've discussed it, and how can we keep it from happening again?" * "What have we learned about landmines? Are there any particular words or actions that are definitely off-limits from now on?" I have one final super important caveat to add here: Not all "screwups" are actually screwups. Some are just plain abuse. A human-shaped predator will use words like "miscommunication" and "mistake" to cover up what they do. This post is focused on honest errors, but there are dishonest and evil people out there. In particular, if a person "keeps screwing up"... that's a terribly bad sign. It is not an inherent part of BDSM to feel roiled up and confused and alienated after a BDSM encounter; most BDSMers feel more intimate and connected after successful encounters. UPDATE, March 2012: I just found some notes that I took during a workshop about BDSM edgeplay that was run by Mollena Williams in late December. (Edgeplay is a term for BDSM activities that feel especially intense for the participants.) Mollena suggests some questions to ask beforehand: * Have I seen my partner do S&M before? What did they say or do that made me feel good and comfortable? What did they say that made me have an intense reaction? -- Pass this information on to the partner ahead of time. * What does my gut feeling say about this person? -- /fyou have a bad gut feeling about a person, listen to it! Especially for edgeplay. Mollena also suggested that when BDSMers play at the edge, they "make a contingency plan” ahead of time... not just for the participants, but for everyone watching, since such activities often take place at dungeons. She noted that such a "contingency plan" might contain: * Honesty and thoroughness, of course * Each partner giving each other explicit permission to safeword HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018655